Perfectionism doesn’t serve anybody.
For the longest time I thought I need to have perfect health to teach others about health. To a certain extent that is certainly true. I would not take advise from somebody who is very unhealthy, or doesn’t walk the talk. But sometimes it’s all about perspectives as well. Looking at how far I have come already in my healing journey, I sure can help some people, who were in the same situation like me some 15 years ago.
As a short summary, I used to be very sick for as long as I can remember. Many people have a certain moment when they got sick, a before and after. I never really had a Before.
Bad genes, heavy metal toxicity in the womb, bad nutrition, childhood trauma, most likely early infections were my starting point. Not ideal.
My mother had a lot of amalgam fillings when she was pregnant with me - the mercury from those fillings goes straight through the placenta to the baby. I later received a couple of childhood vaccines which contain heavy metals as well (mainly aluminium). Then at age 8 or 9 I got 2 amalgam fillings in my milk teeth.
I wasn’t breastfed, which is very suboptimal for developing a healthy gut biome and immunity (though then again maybe saved me from getting more mercury from my mother).
My mother suffered herself from severe depression, fatigue, strong anxiety etc. She had her own massive trauma from having lived in an orphanage for the first years of her life. At around age 4 she got adopted but never felt accepted by her adoptive parents. She suffered from extreme eczema her whole life, and her health just spiraled down over the years.
When she was pregnant with me (her second child), the marriage with my dad was probably already troubled.
I assume my mother has the same genetic background as me (my dad probably doesn’t have the best genes either but always seemed to cope way better health wise). I did the 23andme test which revealed my bad genetic luck (BUT! genes are not your destiny! It is important to know your weak spots and you can work on them to live a healthy life). Summarized my genes predispose me for diminished detox ability and neurotransmitter troubles.
Then there was the theory that my mother might have Bartonella, a quite common bacterial infection that causes all sorts of health troubles. It came up for me in an Autonomic Response Testing report.
Add to that a suboptimal diet of processed foods, not to many vegetables, lots of candy, and you have a case like me: edging on the border to autism, extremely socially awkward, lots of digestive trouble, depression, anxiety, and later hormonal issues.
I was simply full to the rim with toxins, infections (Ebstein Barr Virus, Bartonella), bad gut bacteria leading to SIBO/parasites, overworked organs, plus in a constant fight or flight mode due to all the toxicity as well as growing up in a household with a depressed unavailable mother and an unavailable father who was hardly at home, or drank a lot of alcohol.
I do not blame my parents one single bit, they were victims themselves. At that time there was not much advise available. They honestly did the best they could, and I love them dearly.
When I say I edged to the autistic spectrum, I know a lot of people will feel offended. Well, the least I care about if offending narrow minded people. Autism is not a genetic flaw, and neither are those kids special indigo children. Autism is caused by a summary of certain factors: toxins (often from vaccines, as so many parents observed their children regress after vaccines), infections like lyme, bartonella etc, and bad gut biome (due to antibiotics, lack of breastfeeding or C-sections, bad diets, glyphosates and other pesticides in our food).
Looking back I exposed a lot of symptoms of the autistic spectrum (which is huge, you can see Asperger people who seem to be fully “normal”). I didn’t show any facial expression or body language (as many teachers remarked), I didn’t make contact with schoolmates, I needed my routines and had some obsessive behaviors. I had rocking motions. I couldn’t make eye contact. I felt paralysed inside. I was extremely sensitive to sounds and lights. I talked in a monotonous voice.
All of these symptoms got worse after I got my own amalgam fillings (the last drop so to speak). My eyesight deteriorated to a minus 7 dioptrine. My grades at school which had been quite good so far in elementary school dwindled down after this as I stopped participating in class completely. I was still very good at logical thinking and written exams thankfully, which kept me at the higher school of education (Gymnasium in Germany).
My social skills were zilch.
In puberty I developed hormonal imbalances, a very irregular period and first signs of facial hair. I was put on the birth control pill at age 14, and was later diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, showing many little cysts on my ovaries. My thyroid was out of whack and always in a mild hypo state.
My digestion was horrible. As a child I suffered from severe constipation, which sometimes got so painful I had to go to the ER. Oftentimes I had to get sent home from school due to severe belly aches.
Interestingly my genetic report also shows a high probability for celiac disease. Ever since I stopped eating gluten and dairy in my early twenties, a lot of my brain fog and digestive trouble improved a lot.
Talking of brain fog, I was severely depressed for no reason. I had constant anxiety of everything and anything, leading to panic attacks in my early twenties, and autoaggressive behavior (sometimes physical pain is easier to handle than the voices in your head). My eating disorders started at age 14 when I would switch between starving myself and binging on candy.
I was extremely weak, with no endurance or muscle strength, nor coordination at ball games (you know the kid who got chosen last at school’s sports).
I had constant tonsillitis or ear infections, or never ending coughs from bronchitis.
My health was one big mess, and I had nobody who recognized it, instead I was bullied and humiliated for the way that I was.
I had to pull me out of the mess by myself.
The internet is a blessing and a curse, but for me it was definitely a blessing. At university, in my early twenties, after another heavy bout of diarrhea that even made me faint at the bathroom, I started googling. Online research would become my main interest, and so I stumbled upon everything:
Heavy metal toxicity
Candida, Parasites, Lyme Disease
Gut health
Food intolerances
I experimented and as I said, had my first eye opener when I stopped eating gluten and dairy. One week later I felt such an improvement in my mental wellbeing that I knew I was onto something.
Unfortunately my journey had to continue for a long, long time after this, as I didn’t have proper practitioners (or the money to pay them), often went down wrong routes, and also because I was such a chronic and severe case (even though I still managed to live a “normal” life, including getting my masters degree at university.
And sometimes I wonder if I ever can get to “perfect” health. It takes a lot of effort if you’ve been sick since birth and before that literally. Very autistic kids can improve a LOT, but they will probably have some stuff to watch out for. Whereas when you grew up pretty healthily, but then developed mercury toxicity from amalgam fillings in your twenties/got a parasite infection from your India travels/suffered a traumatic event, it might be easier to fully heal from that.
My birth chart shows my connection to Chiron, the wounded healer. Chiron in the mythology had to accept his incurable disease, but because of it he became a master how to heal others. Chiron stands for accepting our own weakness.
How is my health now? I am SO much better. I am still extremely introverted and sensitive. I am still working on gut healing and detoxing.
BUT my digestion has improved drastically. My periods are regular and painfree, and a latest check up showed no more cysts on the ovaries (despite my gynecologist telling me I would need to take birth control pill forever, yeah, thanks NO!). I have so much more energy now to exercise.
My autonomic nervous system still needs more time to recover, I am still in fight/flight a lot, and my mast cells and histamine reaction is still happening. But it is getting less and less.
I had red puffy cheeks all my life, that would often flush super hot and red at times of stress, anxiety, or from alcohol, or sunshine. The flushing hardly happens anymore, and I know the remaining redness comes from my coffee or cacao consumption.
I am not at perfect health. I am not a perfect human being or perfect healer. I am not always implementing every health module I ever learned. I drink wine and coffee, and sometimes I eat crisps.
But the health improvements I experienced over the years are enough for me to keep going.
And definitely enough to share with people who were like me 15 years ago at the beginning of my search for recovery.
This is what this page is about.
For the longest time I thought I need to have perfect health to teach others about health. To a certain extent that is certainly true. I would not take advise from somebody who is very unhealthy, or doesn’t walk the talk. But sometimes it’s all about perspectives as well. Looking at how far I have come already in my healing journey, I sure can help some people, who were in the same situation like me some 15 years ago.
As a short summary, I used to be very sick for as long as I can remember. Many people have a certain moment when they got sick, a before and after. I never really had a Before.
Bad genes, heavy metal toxicity in the womb, bad nutrition, childhood trauma, most likely early infections were my starting point. Not ideal.
My mother had a lot of amalgam fillings when she was pregnant with me - the mercury from those fillings goes straight through the placenta to the baby. I later received a couple of childhood vaccines which contain heavy metals as well (mainly aluminium). Then at age 8 or 9 I got 2 amalgam fillings in my milk teeth.
I wasn’t breastfed, which is very suboptimal for developing a healthy gut biome and immunity (though then again maybe saved me from getting more mercury from my mother).
My mother suffered herself from severe depression, fatigue, strong anxiety etc. She had her own massive trauma from having lived in an orphanage for the first years of her life. At around age 4 she got adopted but never felt accepted by her adoptive parents. She suffered from extreme eczema her whole life, and her health just spiraled down over the years.
When she was pregnant with me (her second child), the marriage with my dad was probably already troubled.
I assume my mother has the same genetic background as me (my dad probably doesn’t have the best genes either but always seemed to cope way better health wise). I did the 23andme test which revealed my bad genetic luck (BUT! genes are not your destiny! It is important to know your weak spots and you can work on them to live a healthy life). Summarized my genes predispose me for diminished detox ability and neurotransmitter troubles.
Then there was the theory that my mother might have Bartonella, a quite common bacterial infection that causes all sorts of health troubles. It came up for me in an Autonomic Response Testing report.
Add to that a suboptimal diet of processed foods, not to many vegetables, lots of candy, and you have a case like me: edging on the border to autism, extremely socially awkward, lots of digestive trouble, depression, anxiety, and later hormonal issues.
I was simply full to the rim with toxins, infections (Ebstein Barr Virus, Bartonella), bad gut bacteria leading to SIBO/parasites, overworked organs, plus in a constant fight or flight mode due to all the toxicity as well as growing up in a household with a depressed unavailable mother and an unavailable father who was hardly at home, or drank a lot of alcohol.
I do not blame my parents one single bit, they were victims themselves. At that time there was not much advise available. They honestly did the best they could, and I love them dearly.
When I say I edged to the autistic spectrum, I know a lot of people will feel offended. Well, the least I care about if offending narrow minded people. Autism is not a genetic flaw, and neither are those kids special indigo children. Autism is caused by a summary of certain factors: toxins (often from vaccines, as so many parents observed their children regress after vaccines), infections like lyme, bartonella etc, and bad gut biome (due to antibiotics, lack of breastfeeding or C-sections, bad diets, glyphosates and other pesticides in our food).
Looking back I exposed a lot of symptoms of the autistic spectrum (which is huge, you can see Asperger people who seem to be fully “normal”). I didn’t show any facial expression or body language (as many teachers remarked), I didn’t make contact with schoolmates, I needed my routines and had some obsessive behaviors. I had rocking motions. I couldn’t make eye contact. I felt paralysed inside. I was extremely sensitive to sounds and lights. I talked in a monotonous voice.
All of these symptoms got worse after I got my own amalgam fillings (the last drop so to speak). My eyesight deteriorated to a minus 7 dioptrine. My grades at school which had been quite good so far in elementary school dwindled down after this as I stopped participating in class completely. I was still very good at logical thinking and written exams thankfully, which kept me at the higher school of education (Gymnasium in Germany).
My social skills were zilch.
In puberty I developed hormonal imbalances, a very irregular period and first signs of facial hair. I was put on the birth control pill at age 14, and was later diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, showing many little cysts on my ovaries. My thyroid was out of whack and always in a mild hypo state.
My digestion was horrible. As a child I suffered from severe constipation, which sometimes got so painful I had to go to the ER. Oftentimes I had to get sent home from school due to severe belly aches.
Interestingly my genetic report also shows a high probability for celiac disease. Ever since I stopped eating gluten and dairy in my early twenties, a lot of my brain fog and digestive trouble improved a lot.
Talking of brain fog, I was severely depressed for no reason. I had constant anxiety of everything and anything, leading to panic attacks in my early twenties, and autoaggressive behavior (sometimes physical pain is easier to handle than the voices in your head). My eating disorders started at age 14 when I would switch between starving myself and binging on candy.
I was extremely weak, with no endurance or muscle strength, nor coordination at ball games (you know the kid who got chosen last at school’s sports).
I had constant tonsillitis or ear infections, or never ending coughs from bronchitis.
My health was one big mess, and I had nobody who recognized it, instead I was bullied and humiliated for the way that I was.
I had to pull me out of the mess by myself.
The internet is a blessing and a curse, but for me it was definitely a blessing. At university, in my early twenties, after another heavy bout of diarrhea that even made me faint at the bathroom, I started googling. Online research would become my main interest, and so I stumbled upon everything:
Heavy metal toxicity
Candida, Parasites, Lyme Disease
Gut health
Food intolerances
I experimented and as I said, had my first eye opener when I stopped eating gluten and dairy. One week later I felt such an improvement in my mental wellbeing that I knew I was onto something.
Unfortunately my journey had to continue for a long, long time after this, as I didn’t have proper practitioners (or the money to pay them), often went down wrong routes, and also because I was such a chronic and severe case (even though I still managed to live a “normal” life, including getting my masters degree at university.
And sometimes I wonder if I ever can get to “perfect” health. It takes a lot of effort if you’ve been sick since birth and before that literally. Very autistic kids can improve a LOT, but they will probably have some stuff to watch out for. Whereas when you grew up pretty healthily, but then developed mercury toxicity from amalgam fillings in your twenties/got a parasite infection from your India travels/suffered a traumatic event, it might be easier to fully heal from that.
My birth chart shows my connection to Chiron, the wounded healer. Chiron in the mythology had to accept his incurable disease, but because of it he became a master how to heal others. Chiron stands for accepting our own weakness.
How is my health now? I am SO much better. I am still extremely introverted and sensitive. I am still working on gut healing and detoxing.
BUT my digestion has improved drastically. My periods are regular and painfree, and a latest check up showed no more cysts on the ovaries (despite my gynecologist telling me I would need to take birth control pill forever, yeah, thanks NO!). I have so much more energy now to exercise.
My autonomic nervous system still needs more time to recover, I am still in fight/flight a lot, and my mast cells and histamine reaction is still happening. But it is getting less and less.
I had red puffy cheeks all my life, that would often flush super hot and red at times of stress, anxiety, or from alcohol, or sunshine. The flushing hardly happens anymore, and I know the remaining redness comes from my coffee or cacao consumption.
I am not at perfect health. I am not a perfect human being or perfect healer. I am not always implementing every health module I ever learned. I drink wine and coffee, and sometimes I eat crisps.
But the health improvements I experienced over the years are enough for me to keep going.
And definitely enough to share with people who were like me 15 years ago at the beginning of my search for recovery.
This is what this page is about.
