When I was 14, I developed eating disorders.
I remember sucking in my belly all the time or pressing it in a repetitive obsessive manner. I started eating my meals separate from my family. When they had roasted chicken and fries (which they had a lot), I would sit on a different table and eat dry bread. I starved myself until some of my classmates commented on how skinny I was during a school trip because they could see the bones in my rib cage. During that school trip I also had my first binge eating episode. Somebody had brought cake and I couldn't stop eating it. This continued for a long time afterwards. I would hunger and fast and then of course the binges would come. When I was 15 or 16 I saw a video in school about the mass animal industry and became a vegetarian. My family didn't understand it (my dad is a big meat and fish eater). I was a very unhealthy vegetarian though. I ate a lot of sweets (and back then didn't even know that gelatin is not vegetarian). The food in my family was generally not very healthy. Lots of bread, ready-to-go meals, take-away foods, fries, sweets. My mother would eat massive amounts of chocolates and other candy and always had a big stash in the house. My dad would mainly eat meat, fish (but not prepared in a healthy way) and salads, and drink alcohol. The older I got, the more the marriage of my parents fell apart. My mother sank into a deep depression and spent the days isolated at home, eating chocolate and watching television. My dad would work more and more long hours and when he came home he would hide in the cellar where he had set up his computer and lots of alcohol. So nobody really noticed how much I struggled myself (not only with eating disorders but mainly the effects of heavy metal toxicity which threw me into an almost autistic state), everybody was in their own world. And everybody was toxic themselves. So when I was eating, I was eating sugary cereals for breakfast, often followed by chocolate bars (yes, for breakfast. Yes, my mother bought them for me). I was just as addicted to sugar as my mother. When I came home from school, I would eat a ready-to-go meal that my mother had prepared (if I was lucky) and then chocolate. Massive amounts of chocolate. All while sitting on the couch watching the same television talk shows my mother was binge watching all day long. There were no conversations. At other times I remembered my grandparents (bless their hearts! They were more parents to me than my real parents) who lived next door would give me apples from the garden for school, and I just wouldn't eat them, I wouldn't eat anything before school, during school, and I was so hungry that I couldn't focus. Now some pages actually connect anorexic behavior with heavy metal toxicity. It makes sense, as the body is toxic and fasting is usually the answer to toxicity. Usually also your digestive system is so messed up that the body maybe instinctively doesn't want to eat. Anyway, I starved myself down, followed by phases of binging on sugary stuff. Then I fell unhappily in love and ate even more sweets and gained quite a few pounds. After high school I moved to another town and went to university. I had the big plan to finally start eating healthily. It is funny, when I was a kid and me and my family were in holidays in FRance and we would visit a market, I fantasized about how when I was grown up, I would go to the market and finally buy all the things I wanted: fruit and vegetables! It's ridiculous, how a small child instinctively is drawn to healthy foods. Anyway, I didn't know anything though how healthy nutrition looked, and I would soon fall back into unhealthy eating. The sugar addiction was strong. There were day when I would eat rice pudding for breakfast, chocolate for lunch and nothing for dinner. Then in my mid twenties I wanted to lose weight once again (I was never overweight but had a few pounds too many). I started eating a lot of fruit. Which made my super toxic body go into shock. I got real bad diarrhea. Detox. I didn't understand that back then though and instead googled all sort of food allergies and intolerances. In the end it was the start of my health journey. Step by step I changed my diet to a healthier one, learning more and more things. Eventually I stumbled upon veganism and then raw veganism and I tried both. I then found the 80/10/10 diet with lots of fruit and thought it was the perfect diet. I ate a 100 % raw vegan diet for 2,5 years. After those years I felt depleted, and I was. Sure those diets had more nutrition than my childhood diets but my body was starving for nutrients, and a low fat raw vegan diet was NOT the answer. Especially because I was restricting calories once more. I was eating around 1200 calories on a raw vegan low fat diet which consisted mainly of apples and zucchini noodles. My hair was dry and falling out, my muscles weak, I had zero libido, my teeth enamel had suffered a lot, and I broke the bone in my right little finger just by lightly falling onto it. I was in a bad shape. Starving yourself can be so addictive though. I knew I needed to eat more but it took a lot to finally do it. And I gained weight. A LOT of weight. After my re-feeding (which wasn't done in the proper way! Normally you slowly increase the calories so that the body adapts but I didn't know) I was at my heaviest ever weight and looked super puffy and swollen. Still I believed in the vegan diet, and low fat, and I was now more doing the starch solution way. I did not improve. I stayed puffy, short of breath (salt-free), and low in energy. Until I started eating animal products again. It was in IKEA from all places. There were free samples of smoked salmon on toast and I simply picked off the salmon pieces and ate them all. No, I inhaled them as quickly as possible! I continued eating fish a lot after that. I also experimented with pecorino cheeses although I had given up gluten and dairy in my mid twenties. Eggs would follow. And then. Meat. I didn't have meat for over 16 years at that point, and I inhaled the massive T-bone steak that even my partner at that time couldn't finish. I felt better, I lost weight, and continued like that. I did experiment with other diet styles of course, I did paleo a lot, and a more low carbish diet. As of today, I don't binge eat anymore. It is funny, I still had those binges from time to time, for example with nuts, when I just could not stop eating them, or a bag of crisp. But along my healing journey I had detoxed and also killed Candida and parasites quite a bit and the overeating got less and less. Some people never experience this but it is like you are seriously losing control over your body. Your hand automatically puts the food into your mouth, you don't even have time to think. But it had gotten better, and what really finished it off, was a meditation by Dr. Joe Dispenza. After doing that meditation ONE time, focusing only on the overeating, I stopped completely. These days I eat lots of veggies, some fruit, some gluten free grains (mainly buckwheat), I recently started eating chickpeas again and seem to do fine with them, lots of sweet potatoes, and some free range eggs, sardines and venison or organ meats here and there. I eat my plate and have no desire whatsoever to binge on unhealthy stuff afterwards. Eating disorders are a pain, and I feel for everybody dealing with it. Heal your gut, detox your body, work on trauma release, kill parasites!
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How does a depression feel? We've all been sad at times but if you've never been depressed, it might be hard to understand how it feels.
It basically is your own mind becoming your worst enemy. The voice in your head telling you 24/7 that you are worthless and better off dead. I guess depression has a lot of different flavors and nuances. The mind basically picks your lowest thoughts you might have and magnifies them; and in my case those were thoughts of being unworthy and utterly unlovable. Now in therapy you would try to find out where the thoughts came from (childhood is often the main root cause) and I believe therapy is a great tool! But I also believe that depression can stem from toxicity. You might have those thoughts but they don't have to affect you. Or you feel negative emotions (from the toxins) and your mind makes up a story to validate those emotions (this happened a lot to me). Vice versa though emotional trauma can also make your body hold onto toxins. Last year in summer I was in a deep bout of depression. The type where you curl up on the couch and then roll onto the floor because you think that suits your low state better. Suicidal thoughts. Crying. An absolute feeling of unworthiness that nothing could eradicate. BUT even though I was curled up on the floor crying my heart out and thinking these thoughts that I should just kill myself - there was this part of me that knew it wasn't real. I felt the intense emotions and despair, and my rational mind made up a story (about how the guy I was seeing at that time didn't love me) - but I knew it was just a story of my mind. What brought me out of it? Binders. I would confidently say that binders have been the most potent antidepressant for me. I took a shake of bentonite clay, psyllium husk powder and activated charcoal every morning and quickly felt way more stable mentally. I have been depression free for quite a while now. I still have set-backs but nothing major. I felt really low during a holiday week where I decided to stop binders. Not a good idea. I also worked on the mind-part by watching my thoughts, meditating etc but I know that a big chunk of mental stability comes from detoxifying the physical body. May it be heavy metals circulating in your gut, or parasites affecting the gut balance - your gut is your second brain. Every depressed person should have a look at their gut health. I am having a little kidney pain (left side). Guess I need to support those buggers better. My kidneys seem the weak spot and since the TRS gets eliminated via the kidneys, they are probably quite taxed at the moment. I probably should reduce the amount of TRS (and Turpentine) I am taking at the moment... I always jump in fully, I rather feel some effects than nothing, even though that is not always smart and slow and steady is so much better when it comes to detoxing. It's been only 2,5 weeks of TRS now and I quickly went up to the full dose of 5 sprays.
Need to get me some kidney and liver support again, dang. Apparently licorice is also good for the kidneys and that's one thing I have at home. I am still pretty low in energy so no real exercise. Did a lovely walk in the sunshine yesterday though to soak up the vitamin D. Uphill I was huffing and puffing (only walking, mind you). So yes, weakened kidneys. Suck your energy. I just realized how easy it is to forget symptoms that you had when they disappear. For example I woke up this morning realizing that my hands don't get numb anymore at night! Which apparently is a sign of an underactive thyroid. (Or maybe I just sleep through it now, who knows).
I thought of old symptoms because an old symptom had actually come back: heart palpitations. Urgh. Not very pleasant. It started on the day when I took a vitamin D supplement but it could have other causes as well. I am currently on my 4 day break from the Turpentine, and I feel a bit more bloated again. So I think my ultimate goal will be to take turpentine daily. I will need to change my diet for that though because I don't have 3 bowl movements a day. Which might be fine if one does water enemas and/or add castor oil into the game. I will experiment. Still on 5 sprays of TRS, no big developments in that area I think. I still get tired a lot and don't feel like exercising at all. Not good. I want to get back into a good exercisement routine. I want the energy to do yoga, weightlifting and running here and there. My left knee hurts though so I am not sure about the running... Talking of left knee pain...spiritually this can mean inflexibility in regards to the future as well as insecurity. Besides that, I stopped my daily cacao intake. Due to the high cadmium levels in my recent hair test and also because any caffeine is not helpful when your adrenals are worn out. Every time in the past when I stopped taking cacao for some time my cheeks were less red and I was less bloated. And then I kinda forget all of it and start all over again. It is just another coffee. It's a stimulant. So yesterday was my first day without cacao and geez I got the caffeine withdrawal headache. Which to me is just a confirmation. It's a drug. You don't get withdrawal symptoms if you don't eat an apple every day. Silly me. Maybe that was a major missing link for healing my adrenals. But I somehow always thought, 1 tsp of cacao is not too bad. Well for normal healthy people probably not, but for somebody with adrenal issues etc it probably is. Plus, it is a very probable source for the heavy metal cadmium. Funny how we get so addicted that we don't want to see the truth. Here the results from my hair mineral analysis! In short: still adrenal exhaustion, cadmium toxicity (! Chocolate anyone?), no big copper toxicity (yay), increased thyroid functioning (which is probably stressing the adrenals). Here the one from 2 years ago. (Unfortunately I don't have the one from many years back anymore where I also had extremely high calcium levels). Not much has changed in my adrenal area (super high potassium and sodium levels). Molybdenum has risen a bit out of deficiency, I had supplemented a bit here and there. Back in 2017 I had higher arsenic and aluminium levels which are down now. Now I have super high cadmium levels! Now those levels in hair tests usually don't say that much about the actual levels in the body. It could mean I got exposed to cadmium and now have high levels. Or it could mean the body is getting rid of the toxic metals. Additional elements: And 2 years ago: I don't really care too much about those levels though. Now to the interesting part, the ratios: Compared to 2 years ago: Ok so here are the conclusions:
the extremely high potassium and sodium levels are sign of adrenal stress/exhaustion which could be due to heavy metals. My life is pretty darn stress free otherwise so I know it is the toxins. I quote the lab for the ratio results: A high calcium/phosphorus ratio. The calcium/phosphorus ratio is the autonomic state indicator. The autonomic balance of the body can either be sympathetic dominant, parasympathetic dominant or balanced. A high calcium/phosphorus ratio indicates parasympathetic dominance, the higher the ratio, the more dominant the parasympathetic system is. A high calcium/phosphorus ratio is usually due to the sympathetic system being utilised too much from stress and has been depleted as a result. If the sympathetic system has been exhausted through stress, then the body will switch to a parasympathetic state. A parasympathetic state means reduced energy levels and lowered adrenal/thyroid activity and the higher the ratio, the more advanced the stage of stress on the body – alarm, resistance, exhaustion. The calcium/potassium ratio is low. The calcium/potassium ratio is known as the thyroid ratio because both calcium and potassium play a vital role in regulating thyroid activity. A low calcium/potassium ratio frequently indicates a trend towards hyperactive and fast thyroid activity. The lower the ratio, the more overactive the thyroid activity is in the body. This ratio works differently to thyroid function blood tests in that it is not reflective of the thyroid’s ability to make T4 and T3, but instead it reflects the cellular response and effect of these hormones upon cells. Now this is interesting. Hyperactive/fast thyroid activity? Not really. I guess my glands are just all over-stimulated by the toxins. My Zinc/copper ratio is in the range interestingly!! Which means no copper toxicity! Mhm.... I still have plenty of white spots on my nails though indicating zinc deficiency and my blood test numbers of zinc/copper indicated a little copper toxicity. My sodium/magnesium ratio is high. The sodium/magnesium ratio is the secondary stress and function marker for the adrenal glands. The adrenal glands play an essential role in regulating sodium retention and excretion; magnesium levels also affect adrenal cortical activity and response. A high sodium/magnesium ratio reflects excessive and overactive adrenal activity/function. A high sodium/magnesium ratio represents that the body is in the alarm phase of stress because the adrenals are being stimulated and having to work harder to cope with stress. My hair mineral test result is representing an extreme fast oxidation rate at this time. To quote from Dr. Wilson's website: Dr. Eck also figured out that fast oxidation is identical to an alarm stage of stress, and is characterized by a lot of activity of the sympathetic nervous system. [...] connection with a more yang body chemistry. Those with a fast oxidation rate tend to be anxious, irritable, in a hurry, and aggressive if their oxidation rate is very fast. They are usually somewhat emotional, short-tempered and high-strung. They easily become anxious and wound up. They may gain weight in the area of the abdomen due to high levels of cortisol and cortisone. They are in a fight-or-flight mode too much of the time. Adrenal insufficiency markers (the more extreme the values the more it is suggestive of reduced adrenal function): Sodium level less than 4 mg% (adrenal insufficiency) or above 36 mg% (excessive adrenal activity – adrenal stress). Result = 118 Potassium level less than 2 mg% (adrenal insufficiency) or above 25 mg% (excessive adrenal activity – adrenal stress). Result = 73 Sodium/potassium ratio (NA/K) less than 2.5:1. Result = 1.62:1 So all in all the main result from this hair mineral test is that my adrenals are still in bad shape. Didn't really need a test to know this haha. I continue my journey on detoxing the heavy metals and toxins and adaptogens and adrenal support. Concerning the high cadmium levels I will skip the chocolate for a while I think. I had pure cacao daily for months. Not only is it a stimulator for the adrenals but also cacao can contain real high levels of cadmium. I don't really see other cadmium contributors as I live in the countryside with not too much traffic and I don't smoke and am not surrounded by smokers.. Finally got the results of my blood tests!
Let's start with copper/zinc. Copper (serum) is 93 mcg/dl (range 50-140) Zinc (serum) is 70 mcg/dl (range 60-150) Ceruloplasmin 22,6 mg/dl (range 20-60) A healthy copper:zinc balance should be 1:1. Here you can calculate your free copper, and mine was 27.09 %. Everything about 25 is copper toxic, with 10 % being the optimum. Copper Zinc ratio was 1.32 and it states that "0.8-1.0 ideal, 1.25 high (1.20 in Bipolar)." Ouch. It seems I still have some copper issues doing on (not really surprising). High Copper Zinc Ratio On to the thyroid: In the past (2017) I had a TSH as high as 5.79. In January 2018 it was 3.65. My latest blood test (March 2019) showed a TSH of 2.47. So it seems to go down but it is still too high. Now I finally got T3 and T4 tested. According to the Stop the Thyroid Madness guys the free T3 should be above mid-range and the free T4 should be slightly above mid-range. My free T3 is 3.05 ng/ml with a range of 2-4.4. My free T4 is 1.13 ng/dl with a range of 0.7-1.7. That does actually look not too bad, so I hope those numbers will continue to rise with the TSH going down. I have been taken small amount of iodine and selenium daily for the past months and will continue taking iodine. Selenium levels were 17.3 with a range of <25. I don't have selenium toxicity and the number doesn't seem low so I guess selenium is fine. I got homocysteine measured which was 7.12 (range 4.44-13.56) so that is good. Some people with MTHFR mutations have elevated homocysteine which are a risk for blood clotting. Magnesium (serum) was 2.21 mg/dl (range 1.9-2.5). Years and years of daily supplementation! Vitamin B 6 was in range! 11.7 ng/ml . Everything above 7.4 is sufficient. It doesn't seem like Vitamin B 6 toxicity either which I used to have in the past. Vitamin A (serum, for what it's worth) was 460 mcg/l (range 300-860). Now this doesn't show how much vitamin A is stored in the body as the body maintains normal levels in the blood as long as possible. But it shows that stores are not completely depleted and neither that there is a toxicity. I think I will continue the cod liver oil for a while because my keratosis pilaris is so much better but still a little there. On to Vitamin D and here we have the only number that shows a significant deficiency because if even the normal lab results say you are deficient, then you are REALLY deficient. My levels was 29.9 (range 30-80). Many people say a level of 60-80 is optimal. So apparently cod liver oil is actually NOT a good choice if you have low vitamin D levels because the high levels of vitamin A can actually suppress the vitamin D even more. There needs to be a delicate balance between Vitamin A and D (and K for that matter). A good article was published on that topic on the Weston A. Price website. Now why are my levels so low? It's the end of winter here so that doesn't help but I have the feeling I have always been on the low side of vitamin D due to my inability to tan easily. Interestingly enough, I remember a photo of me being the most tanned I had ever been and that was during my raw vegan years. Now eating fish and eggs and taking cod liver oil doesn't seem to do the same which makes me wonder. And then of course I do have the genetic VDR mutation which could explain a vitamin D deficiency. For now I plan on taking Vitamin D drops in addition to the cod liver oil. I am still waiting for the results of my hair mineral analysis. Finally up to half a tsp of Turpentine!
Pooped out more parasites. No other side effects. Oh, except that I feel exceptionally cheerful and optimistic and my morning meditation left me giggling. 2 drops of Lugol's onto my wrist. Not much else to report. Took a Lauricidin suppository last night and 30-35 drops of Turpentine this morning - eliminated lots of Candida. Feel like I had been gang raped though :D
Also put one drop of Lugol's on my wrist (getting bold now), haha. So far all good. No fatigue. Had belly ache though after my adrenal cocktail, probably too soon after my breakfast (orange and lemon juice after amaranth porridge not a good combo). Woke up at 5:30. Good sleep though not much memory of dreams. Currently taking: TRS Turpentine Binders (Psyllium Husk, Bentonite Clay, Activated Charcoal) Spirulina Magnesium Whole Foods Vitamin C Boron K2 Seaweed/Thyroid Extract Zinc Taurine P5P Adaptogens: Siberian Ginseng and Mucuna mostly at the moment, just got my He Shou Wu again today and will start with Rehmannia Schizandra I also applied the Turpentine topically last night,onto my liver and abdomen and chest (mixed with some almond oil). My lungs are still my weak spot according to iridology (I used to have constant bronchitis as a child). Even Wick Vaporub contains Turpentine Oil, did you know!? In 1895, Daniel David Palmer, the founder of Chiropractic, said “The human body gets sick as the result of excessive trauma or toxins or thoughts, or a combinations of these agents.” I spent the past decade detoxing my body. I have been toxic with heavy metals from mercury fillings, vaccinations, massive fluoride in my childhood and so on. I basically had been autistic in my childhood, and I am not even exaggerating. Just back then nobody really noticed or knew much about autism. I have since then studied everything under the sun about detoxing (and tried it all). And I was wondering why some people have amalgam fillings and are actually doing ok (not saying that the neurotoxins won't affect them eventually). I have two friends who have silver fillings, and they come from happy healthy grounded families. Now it is the chicken and egg question: does a healthy psychology in childhood make you resilient to toxins, or do toxins make toxic families and cause psychological issues in families? Anyway, working on all three levels these days. Trauma, Toxins, Thoughts. Trauma and Thoughts is the part I had neglected over the past but they are also deeply connected with physical detox. It is all linked together. The more we detox physically, the more we also heal the energetic part of the disease. BUT the thoughts and emotional healing has maybe even a bigger impact on our healing. I have been doing the meditations of Dr. Joe Dispenza since November, and heard many testimonials about people healing from diseases. But you cannot bring an autistic child to meditate. A schizophrenic person might have troubles with it too. We live in such a toxic age, I think we need to add the physical detox to our arsenal. We cannot meditate and fully heal while still having amalgam fillings, consuming fluoride and other chemicals. I think the combination of both will have the best effect. Our pineal gland is calcified from bromides, fluorides etc, so obviously we won't have the full effect in a meditation. This is the path I will continue: resolve Trauma Toxins Thoughts. On to the other T's: TRS and Turpentine. Yesterday I finally went up to 5 sprays of TRS (day 6) and I had 10 drops of Turpentine (day 4). Pretty uneventful. I am still expelling parasites. I feel way more hungry but that might also be because I am eating more carbs now. People suggest staying low carb if you are killing parasites since they feed on them obviously. I have several thoughts about this. Going too low carb makes them starving and moving into other organs. Going too low carb is not the healthiest for women. Going too low carb doesn't give me enough energy. The parasites feed on heavy metals and toxins mostly, and as long as those are in the body, one will have parasites anyway, so all one can do is reduce them, no matter what diet one eats. I don't know to be honest. My carbs come from bananas and buckwheat currently. I don't get bloating. I am experimenting. There is so much conflicting information out there. I noticed though a bit more weight gain. I usually gain when I am detoxing (water weight? Belly fat from stressed adrenals?). This morning my temperature had finally been up to 36,51 degrees again after a couple of days being really low. Maybe because I didn't take extra seaweed for my iodine yesterday? I think I can see a tiny white moon though coming up on my right index finger!! That's exciting! The half moons on the fingers show healthy thyroid activity and I didn't have them as long as I can remember. I was considering taking some lugol's again but I was too worried about crashing my adrenals again so maybe I stick to seaweed at the moment. One thing driving me mad is my itchy scalp. Some days it's better, some days it's so bad. I don't know if it's the parasites getting angry from the turpentine? Anyway. Just keep going I guess. So this morning I took 25 drops of turpentine. IN two days I am off and I plan on taking the full dose of half a teaspoon finally. I still notice some fatigue during the days. I tried running again yesterday but ended up mostly walking. I sleep a lot. I used to be an early bird but the past weeks I sleep until 8 or so. Adrenals working hard. Was considering a two or three day water fast on my days off, while resting and meditating and taking a break from the internet. A vision quest at home so to speak. Still planning on a real vision quest soon though! Today I went back to 5 drops of Turpentine. I wonder if long term low dose Turpentine will be ok and just as effective, or if it will make the parasites rather angry and move to other organs.
But the reason why I stay low is that my temperature dropped pretty low and I show other signs of increased adrenal stress. I am so happy I know my body so well now! Like: the afternoon fatigue, not falling asleep instantly at night, face flush around mid-day. All rather minor and I took an adrenal cocktail in the afternoon which helped rather well. I also take lots of adaptogens, Vitamin C, magnesium etc for my adrenals so I think I can still keep it all at bay but sure enough I don't want to overdo it. I see a close relation now between kidney/adrenal stress and the hirsutism and belly fat. The kidneys get super taxed from mercury and any extra stress causes the adrenals to enlarge and produce cortisol and that causes all sorts of issues. So taking turpentine TOGETHER with TRS (which I had upped to 4 sprays a day within a couple of days) is probably a little much. But then again, I handle it not too badly, given the strength of my program. But yes, lots of peeing in the morning just shows I should overthink my latest breakfast of bananas and spirulina. I need sodium and fat to support my adrenals! Overall, my mood is good, and every parasite and critter out of me is better! I also felt way more hungry yesterday, so maybe that is because the body can absorb nutrients better. And another thing happening is I had random memories coming up, many from my childhood. This stuff is also like an emotional detox. Toxins as well as parasites store information, and I think especially the Turpentine cleans out the glands. |
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